Canada: North America's Third Largest Nation
by 122 Generation
Summary: British Columbia makes up a series of satirically-packed one-liner descriptions to mock Canada in every single way. Almost everyone, and not just Canada, is not impressed. Rated for minor alcohol references. Update: now with a 2016 episode!
1. This is That

**This has nothing to do with Hetalia, but I think it'd be neat for everyone to read about this.**

**I'm a Canadian, and every Thursday I tune to the radio and listen to the CBC radio comedy "This is That". Every time, the show opens up with the announcer saying a one-liner about Canada. It's highly satirical, because it's a statement that's either pointless, insignificant, or something no Canadian should be proud of (mostly).**

**It's even funnier if you try to say 'Canada' in front of every one-liner.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own a single word between this border and the last border. All the lines are owned by the CBC and "This is That". The show receives full credit. Plus, the show dates back to 2010!**

**Fun Fact: did you know there are **generally **only three countries in North America? If Canada is North America's 'third largest'... what does that also mean?**

* * *

This is That.

British Columbia, comprised of two people plus one, sat in the CBC studio in downtown Vancouver. There was this BC, Peter Oldring, and that BC, Pat Kelly, sitting near the radio mics as they heard the theme song of 'This is That' play on. And then there was the other BC, Gene Sloan, sitting... and waiting.

"I'm... Peter Oldring."

"And I'm... Pat Kelly."

"And today... on This... Is... That...!"

"Today, we find out how many ways are there to address Canada in the most honest way possible. Our very own Gene Sloan discovers every possible way to address Canada in truth and honesty. Over to you, Gene! All this and more! Today! On This... Is... That."

2012

Canada:

North America's third largest nation.

Member of the internet.

Canada:

Skies… and lakes… and SKIES…

The world's 'richest' people.

Canada:

America's pupil.

Canada:

From our aging _WHEAT FIELDS_ to our newborn _saplings_…

Four seasons! Four cities!

Canada:

The President's Choice… of countries.

The patch on the backpack of the world.

A legion… of legions.

From our JET SKIS... to our GRETZKYs.

Snowcaps… and cowboy hats.

Canada:

Where nineteen-year-old Americans… come to drink.

Canada:

You can see it from outer space!

Canada:

Come take a PEEK.

Canada:

From our spring thaw to our autumn harvest.

Foothills… and wind chills.

Through snow and SLEET… through rye and smoked MEAT.

Home of American television!

Canada:

Where non-renewable resources last _forever_…

Canada:

Snow and ICE… but really, really, NICE…

Canada:

Healthcare… in the middle of _nowhere_…

Where greetings are replaced with apologies!

From frank slide… to the great divide.

Canada:

From the Saint Lawrence to Saint JOHN. From Saint Albert to Saint JOHN'S…

Canada:

Clear-cuts and beer guts…

Canada:

Half-heartedly using the Metric system since Nineteen-Seventy-One.

From our fishing SPOTS… to our corner LOTS…

Bangers in hash.

Canada:

Maple butter maple candy, maple sugar maple BRANDY...

Winter… with a chance of SUMMER…

The world's… safest country!

The world's 'oldest' country.

Canada:

America… in plaid clothing.

Better with a buzz…

Inventor… of money.

Canada:

So cold, your tongue might stick to it!

Canada:

Absolutely… penniless.

Canada:

The world's coolest fashion.

Canada:

It's kind of hard… to miss.

Canada:

Fifteen thousand feet above sea level.

Canada:

We mean that in the nicest way possible.

Canada:

Home of ".ca" websites!

The world's nicest army.

You have to SKI it, to BELIEVE it.

When in doubt… portage.

Canada:

Home… of ten downtowns.

Some countries think… we're exotic.

Home of cell phones.

Canada:

Frozen _faces_… in frozen _places_.

Canada:

From sea… to sea… to SEA.

Home of boring elections.

Hockey STARS… and Nanaimo BARS.

Inventors of ginger ale!

From our IGLOOS… to our hoodoos.

Home… of WOOD.

We're filling out nicely!

2013

Canada:

North America's third largest nation.

Inventors of hat tricks.

Where the world SHOPS… for wood and FUR.

Inventors… of indoors!

Canada:

We BOAST… big COASTS.

Inventors… of HAMILTON.

We give thanks… FIRST.

This weekend we're on… the gravy train.

Truckloads on trunk roads.

Canada:

Home… of instant replays!

Facebook friends… with the world.

Home… of… snowballs.

Home of the snowflake.

Frostbite from hockey night.

Inventors… of frostbite.

Home of the BLIZZARD.

Water, water, everywhere… but IN the form of snow.

From our what-task-a-wins to our Saskatchewans.

From our Salmon Arm… to our Canada ARM.

Santa's first stop.

Canada:

Home… of Rob Ford.

From maple leaves… to Maple Leafs. (Toronto. Get it? Haha)

2014

Canada:

North America's third largest nation.

Where whales… vacation.

Our door is always OPEN… just not in the winter.

Inventors… of frostbite.

More COAST… than you can shake a BOAT at.

Home… of parkas.

Home… to three kinds of bear!

Canada:

Member of the internet.

Home of sandy OIL!

Canada:

Practising… Obamacare since NINETEEN-SIXTY…SIX.

Home of Toronto.

Home of London, Paris, and SYDNEY!

Inventors… of skate-SHARPENING.

Canada:

Ten provinces WIDE… one province and territory HIGH.

Canada:

England's BEST IDEA.

Canada:

Home of fourteen official languages.

Where you can wear pants… all year long.

Canada!

Even our Ombudsmen can't say Ombudsmen three times fast.

Summer is just around the corner! The world's largest, never ending, humongous, soul sucking corner...

Spring has spr... ugh.

Canada:

Home of Farley Mowat.

Canada:

We look kind of goofy in shorts.

Canada:

Where elk and bears... have their own bridges and TUNNELS.

Canada:

Removing the ball from soccer since TWENTY-THIRTEEN.

We have 200 towns with either word "SAINT" or "JOHN" in the name.

Canada:

If you're in America you've gone too far.

Where does hockey start?

Canada:

The ice bucket challenge is like really easy for us.

Canada!

Predicted to gross $11 at the weekend box office.

Our Queen is Elizabeth and our King is Burger.

Canada:

A new poll suggests Canadians are losing interest in polls.

Home of mosquitoes.

Kind of like a folk festival! All. THE. TIME.

Inventor... of YOGA PANTS.

We drive to AMERICA for GAS...

Home... of mosquitoes.

Inventor...

Canada:

Take your shoes off at the door.

Canada:

Jewel... of Wikipedia.

There are GOOD days... and there are BAY days...

Inventor of soccer.

A free-for-all... of politeness.

Canada:

Home of pelts.

Full bodied... with hints of maple.

Home to all animals.

When in doubt... _portage_.

Inventor... of SKI BOOTS.

One stamp... goes a LONG... WAY.

Canada:

Home... of Gretzkys!

The tropics... of ICELAND.

AUSTRALIA... of the North!

Canada:

Inventor of sweaters!

It now gets dark at NOON.

World's largest importer... of BOOTS.

Canada:

Centre of the universe.

Up north... and down filled.

The hand-me-down skate capital... of the world.

Canada:

Inventor of Cheesies.

We give thanks... first. (Thanksgiving, get it? It's earlier than America's. Haha)

Shopping south... for the weekend.

Canada:

LIKED on Facebook.

North America's FRIDGE.

Workin' hard... and hardly t'workin.

Canada:

CHAMPIONS... of ringette.

* * *

Canada.

Let's peer into the heart of this great nation.

Who it is.

Where it is.

And where it's going.

And how it's getting there.

And who's involved.

And what's at stake.

Where is it…?

Canada.

This. _I__s._ That.

* * *

"Well, that was This Is That for this week."

"Make sure you tune in next week for more of Gene Sloan's statements of addressing Canada in the most honest way possible."

"I'm... Pat Kelly."

"And I'm... Peter Oldring."

"Remember, Canada:"

"If it's not _this..._"

"Then it must be... _that."_

This Is That is created, produced, and _improvised_ every week... by Peter Oldring and Pat Kelly.

With contributions by:

Gary... ANTHONY.

Williams... DOUG Morency.

SCOTT... Vrooman.

James... HARTNETT.

SARA... Erikson.

Katie... CROWN.

Lauren... ASH.

Sandy... Jobin-BEVANS.

AND... Chris REDMAN.

This Is That, was recorded and produced in Vancouver... by Chris Kelly.

And I'm... Gene Sloan.

This. _Was_. That.

* * *

A week later, public outrage followed.

Canada was not impressed that BC had called him the safest and the oldest. Plus, his door was always open even in the winter! Why did BC have to point out and mix a figurative term and a literal one?! Futhermore, Canada wasn't penniless at all! It didn't make sense. Actually, Canada found it more senseless!

Alberta disapproved BC calling Canada the home of sandy oil... and that Canada was 'home of the snowflake'. Why did BC have to say _the_ snowflake, if not snowflakes at the very least. It wasn't like Canada was the only nation who had THE snowflake and snowballs.

Saskatchewan glared at BC for saying his precious wheat fields were called 'aging', comparing his name to what-task-a-win... and as a pioneer of universal heathcare, practically wanted to strangle BC for calling 'heathcare... in the middle of nowhere', and pronouncing it as 'Obamacare' as a synonym.

Manitoba, raised his fists at BC for quoting Canada was home of the snowflake ("Oh, thank you, Mr. Obvious!" Manitoba yelled at BC) and wood (Manitoba found this to be too insignificant and obvious before yelling this at BC).

Ontario was furious at BC for defining Canada as Rob Ford, Toronto, the Maple Leafs, the maple leaves... and was angry at BC for half-heartedly mocking Farley Mowat.

Quebec sighed at BC's 'misunderstandings' of all things maple. Even though he knew that some of BC's statements were true, he also knew that BC lived pretty far from him. How dare BC make a mockery of him!

The Arctics (Yukon, Northwest Territories, and Nunavut) sympathised with Manitoba as they all shook their heads at BC for pretty much anything to do with winter. The blizzard, Canada being cold enough that the tongue might stick to him, and that Canada had frozen faces in frozen places. They also figured that BC calling them igloos and hoodoos was uncalled for.

Neither New Brunswick or Prince Edward Island or Nova Scotia were pleased at BC's name-calling about coasts. Water, water, everywhere... but in the form of snow. That was a lie! There was plenty of water around the Maritimes, and yet BC dared to say they boasted big coasts! More coast than someone could shake a boat at. Didn't that imply all of the Maritimes? Ridiculous. Especially Nova Scotia, where she thought that boasting about big coasts was nothing to be proud of. On BC's part, they remedied the situation by saying BC too had a big coast. Nova Scotia shook her head.

All the provinces above-mentioned, and Canada, thought that BC was betraying the _entire_ nation by saying that Canada was home of American television. America alone was fine with that, but no one was impressed with BC saying that was a _definition_ of Canada. It was not something to be proud of. Canada: America's pupil... WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? It wasn't like Canada was a part of America. Besides, Canada was a proud pupil of the UK and France (even the UK disapproved of BC's bad statement).

America alone wasn't impressed that BC called Canada 'America in plaid clothing'. That was like mocking Canada and America at the same time!

The only one who was undeterred was Newfoundland, who found it funny at how many times BC had mentioned 'Saint' and 'John'. Newfoundland laughed her heart out at Ontario in particular for the satirical impressions BC had made on the leading province. After all, this was all satire. It was ironic that she, Newfoundland, literally lived on the other coast of Canada (despite Quebec saying that BC lived too far away to understand Canada), and she was the only one, unlike Ontario, Quebec, and the others, who found it _funny_. She seemed to be enjoying herself.

* * *

**The last ten lines 'describing' Canada are basically the introduction to the CBC radio show "This is That". I'll attempt to update this weekly when I have time, since I'm in university (in Canada!), and "This is That" airs once a week.**


	2. This Is That 2016

**I am pleased to produce a second chapter based off of This Is That's 2016 satires and one-liners about Canada.**

**Plus, I've made this a bonus: this chapter is a fanfiction completely inspired from the radio show itself. I've decided to make up my own versions of satire here, so enjoy the show!**

* * *

This Is That 2016

After taking the year off, this British Columbia, that British Columbia, and the other British Columbia finally gathered together at the CBC studio in downtown Vancouver, BC. Pat Kelly, Peter Oldring, and Gene Sloan sat together at the radio desk. With headsets on, microphones at the ready, and documents laid out, the three of them prepared for another broadcast. Sure, their broadcast might have been delayed for a while, but oh well.

The typical theme song of 'This is That' began to play and broadcast all around Canada, beginning right here, right now, in the CBC studio in Vancouver.

"I'm… Peter Oldring."

"And I'm Pat Kelly."

"And today… on This… Is… That…!"

"We've been receiving a lot of feedback for our commentary of how to address Canada in the nicest way possible," Peter Oldring said into the microphone. "And for today, we will be talking about that feedback we have received from our loyal listeners. We'll even speak to some of our listeners who are here today in our studio! But before we get to that, we will of course get to once again hear from our very own Gene Sloan who once again will address Canada in the most honest way possible."

"All this and more! Today! On This… Is… That!"

2016

Canada:

North America's third largest nation.

Lovers… of hot dogs.

From bug bites… to Northern Lights.

Canada!

A road runs through it!

The Stanley Cup champions of camping!

Canada:

Inventors of tennis.

Canada:

No shoes. No shirt. No problem.

Snow banks, and septic tanks.

We break the ice with BOATS!

Canada:

Land… of the free-ze.

50 shades of SNOW.

From forest FIRES… to winter TIRES.

From snow banks… to septic tanks.

Canada:

Australia's winter home!

Bug bites… and Northern Lights!

Canada!

Nature's food truck!

Where 19-year old Americans learn to drink.

Canada:

Inventor of yoga pants.

Take your shoes off at the door.

Anaconda spelt backwards.

Inventor of formal fleece wear.

* * *

Canada.

Let's peer into the heart of this great nation.

Who it is.

Where it is.

And how it's getting there.

And who's involved.

And what's at stake.

Where is it…?

(Canada)

This. Is. That.

* * *

"With a monumental ton of feedback from our loyal listeners," Peter Oldring said, "we have decided that we wanted to hear from you, and what you had to make of addressing Canada in the most honest and nicest way possible."

"Indeed, so that's what we did," Pat Kelly added. "So here's what you had to say. Please note that whatever is said here reflects just how good of a job we've done."

Working at the computers at their desks, the programmers in the CBC studio let the talkbacks reel, and the same voices were broadcast over CBC Radio One as well as into the ears of the radio hosts.

"_I have been listening to CBC for a long time, and I think calling Canada the home of sandy oil is the most insulting thing you could ever address_," was the comment from Alberta.

"_Your statements are really not that funny_," Saskatchewan said. "_We may have wheat fields that may be aging, but that's nothing to be proud of_."

"_Your show is terrible_," was what all Manitoba said.

But most of the fire came from Ontario, no less. "_Rob Ford?! Really?! That is a low blow, CBC. Burn the show! Bury it! We are not America's pupil, in a way! Calling us whatever that's cold is just satirical! Oh, for crying out loud, British Columbia, we hate this show! We DO have a queen, and Burger King is not our king! For what it's worth, we hate this show._"

And then there was Québec. "_Worst of all, we can't stand being the laughable symbol of maple syrup production! It's not even funny! The idea of Canadians being this icon is ridiculous._"

Peter Oldring and Pat Kelly sat patiently as they kept listening to the triumphant feedback.

"_What, are you trying to start a civil war within the nation? We can't keep labelling each other idiots_," New Brunswick said. "_Whatever is happening over at CBC British Columbia, or whoever, for that matter, should get fired!_"

Prince Edward Island joined in, "_You can't keep labelling us something we're not to be proud of, CBC. Come on, what are you thinking?!_"

Nova Scotia added, "_I have never, ever, ever, ever, heard us being labeled as boats and ice and a lot of coast. Sure, we have skies and lakes and skies, but we have OCEANS, CBC. OCEANS. OCEANS. OCEANS! Which goes to say there is lots of coast but you never know…_"

"Well, that is what we hear from our listeners. Our most honest and open feedback ever," Pat Kelly said. "You're listening to This is That on CBC Radio One. Do you have any opinions on the matter of addressing Canada in the most honest way possible? You can reach us by email. We're also on Twitter, at CBCThisIsThat."

Peter Oldring added. "Of course you can find us on Facebook, or you can let us know on our talkback line at 1-***-Joe-Chic. We want to know what you think."

* * *

As the interlude went on, Gene Sloan took over.

Canada:

Inventors of SNOWBALLS.

Gretzskies… on jet skis.

You have to SKI it… to BELIEVE it…

Inventors of HAMILTON.

From migrating DUCKS… to flying PUCKS.

Listening to DRAKE on a LAKE.

Canada:

A curling… whirling… dervish.

Bring a sweater.

Stanley Cup champions of camping!

Canada!

Practically… a lake!

Stealing American Netflix since (2010!) Two-Thousand-and-Ten!

Canada:

Home of Toronto.

Mostly around… the highway.

America's BARN team!

Mostly around the border.

Canada!

HOME… of hickory sticks.

What's trending here is usually weather!

Every vowel is an 'eh!'!

Home… of (Zed) Z!

Canada:

Voted most likely to succeed by the class of 1867.

Canada:

France and England's _teenager_.

Hockey stars, and Nanaimo BARS…

From Sicamous to Pamplemousse.

Canada:

Home of BELT-MOUNTED cellphones!

Leading the WORLD… in the Thanksgiving race.

When in doubt, _portage…_

The world's leader in Thanksgiving.

Canada!

The world's 'coolest' fashion.

When the rain turns to SNOW… you know you're getting close.

From the St. Lawrence to St. John. From St. Albert to St. John's.

Canada:

Inventory of money!

From our hockey STARS… to our Nanaimo bars…

America's overhead compartment!

Canada:

Home… of WOOD.

What we lack in NUKES… we make up for… in TOQUES!

From snow BLOWING to Leonard Cohen-ing.

Inventor of formal fleece wear!

Canada:

Inventors of GINGER ALE!

Where you can wear pants… all year long…

America in plaid clothing!

The world's largest small town!

Canada:

The world's 'oldest' country.

So big it could fit two Canadas inside of it…!

More coast than you could shake a boat at!

Canada!

The world's 'oldest' country.

Leaving our carbon footprint… in the snow.

From snow blowing… to Leonard Cohen-ing.

You've got to SKI it… to BELIEVE it…

Canada:

Visible from space!

Canada:

Where the world SHOPS for WOOD and FUR…

From our sports TEAMS… to our CURLING teams.

Defrost before enjoying.

Canada:

Inventors of snowballs…

Canada:

TIME to pull out the box… of toques.

America's… ATTIC.

Canada:

Inventors of frostbite.

Alaska's subconscious.

Canada:

From salted COD to salted STREETS.

Canada:

Home of the HOLIDAYS.

The President's CHOICE… of countries.

Canada:

Walking uphill both ways in a snowstorm…

This... _Is_… _That_.

* * *

"You're listening to This is That on CBC Radio One," Peter Oldring said.

"Today, we have a special guest who is visiting our studio," Pat Kelly added. "All we can say about our guest is she has travelled across the country – literally – to join us with a positive reaction to our show. Please welcome: Newfoundland. How are you, Newfoundland?"

Indeed, there was 'Newfoundland' sitting with the BC radio hosts, with a headset and microphone set for her as well. She looked pretty hyped and happy to even be here.

"I'm doing great, thank you," she replied happily.

"Tell us what you think about how we address Canada in the most honest way possible," Peter Oldring asked.

"I personally think that it's the best thing I've ever heard in a long time," Newfoundland replied. "We might have a knack for being 'Canadian' per se, but I think that we just haven't been doing a good job at describing ourselves. I believe that if we describe ourselves like this – we might make ourselves look more appealing to the world."

"We would agree, but what would you make of the others and their kinds of feedback?"

"Oh, we could say they're too stuck up, I guess. Let's consider Ontario, who is kind of over the top of being 'inventors of Hamilton' and 'home of Toronto'. I mean come on. Consider this. If we went to visit England, and said "I'm from Canada! The home of Toronto!" England would probably understand, right? We'll be the show-offs for once."

Peter Oldring looked away for a moment and went back to the microphone, "But I don't see –"

"But Peter, if we went and said Toronto has plenty of maple syrup for sale, then who is anyone to judge? We'll be able to market Canada in a surprisingly honest way and attract everyone! Toronto: the makers of maple syrup! The maple leaves say it all"

"Newfoundland," Pat Kelly interrupted. "Maple syrup is produced in Quebec."

"Oh, really? I didn't know that!" Newfoundland replied. Such a response earned chuckles from both Peter Oldring and Pat Kelly. "Either way, it doesn't matter. We might as well say maple syrup is produced in Alberta, but of course, that's where all the oil is. But that's the point! If we say Canada can produce oil and maple syrup at the same time, then who are we to judge?"

"Newfoundland," Pat Kelly interrupted again, "I'm going to have to stop you there. Are you under the impression that Toronto produces maple syrup?"

"Yes," she replied.

"That is not true. Again, maple syrup is produced in Quebec. Plus, the maple leaves you're referring to might be a reference to maple _leafs_. You know, the hockey team?"

"I honestly think that is not true, I don't believe you're correct on that," Newfoundland replied. "Let's face it. Where you will have trees, you will have maple trees!"

Peter Oldring went on. "Okay then. Moving, on, what else could you say about profiling Canada in the most honest way possible?"

"Personally, I also think it's a great way to get into everyone's minds," Newfoundland replied. "We always would think that Ontario and Québec knew a lot of Canada, but now we realise that they have the opposite mindset! They're just too stuck up, I guess."

"Kind of like you're refusing the learn the name–"

"On-terrible," Newfoundland happily said, "as everyone else in Canada would say it. Sure, sure, we've got our share of terrible stuff, but if it rhymes with 'Ontario', then why not?"

Peter Oldring nodded. "Well, we certainly appreciate having you join us on the program, Newfoundland."

"Thank you, Peter!" Newfoundland said.

* * *

The theme song for 'This Is That', played once more, as the BC (British Columbia) radio hosts Pat Kelly and Peter Oldring prepared for the off.

"Well, that was This Is That for this week," Pat Kelly said.

"Make sure you tune in next week for Gene Sloan's additional comments on presenting Canada in the most honest way possible on behalf of Canadians," Peter Oldring added.

"Also, Canada," Pat Kelly added, "we have written a book. It's called the 'This Is That Travel Guide to Canada'. If you'd like more information on how to get your hands on one, head to our website. I'm Pat Kelly."

"And I'm Peter Oldring."

"Remember, Canada…"

"If it's not _this…_"

"Then it must be… _that_."

This Is That is created, produced, and _improvised_ every week… by Peter Oldring and Pat Kelly.

With contributions by:

Mike… BALAZO.

Sara… ERIKSON.

SCOTT… Vrooman.

Chris… REDMAN.

Lauren… ASH.

This Is That was recorded and produced… in Vancouver… by Chris Kelly.

And I'm… Gene Sloan.

This. _Was_. That.

* * *

**If you enjoyed this, I insist that you listen to the actual "This Is That" program! Plus, they've made some pretty ridiculous videos on YouTube which includes things like riderless bikes and downhill climbing...**


End file.
